The past week or two, I’ve been sitting here, wondering aimlessly in my head with myself. Making decisions, breaking decisions, reaffirming decisions, reconfirming old decisions, only to break those decisions, yet again.
A BATTLE WITH THIS THING INSIDE ME
My entire life I’ve had a battle with this thing. A thing that holds me back. A thing that tells me I’m wrong. A thing that keeps telling me to consider things carefully. A thing that tells me I don’t have enough experience. A thing that tells me I look different. A thing that tells me my body is different. A thing that tells me other people think I’m different. A thing that tells me…well, the thing finally made the right decision.
A thing said it was time to quit, and I agree. I am different. I will always be different. I will not care anymore. I am going to embrace the fact that I’m different. I do things in a different way. I learn in a different way.
I will take it from here, thing. Thanks for nothing.
THINGS I’M GOING TO QUIT
First of all, lets name this thing. I’m sure it has many names, but let’s call this thing doubt. It sits inside your head. Waiting. Just when you think you’re going in the right direction, doubt reminds you that: You could be wrong. What would others think? Is this what others expect? Will others approve? Will this take too long? What if you learn the wrong thing? What if…
…let me quit that train of thought right there. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Those that think you’re wasting your time, don’t understand. Those that don’t think you’re wasting your time, do understand.
So, on with the things I will quit:
• I am going to quit giving a crap about dumb things, that I have no control over. What people think, is one of those things.
• I am going to stop asking if this is the right direction. No one knows. Literally.
• I am going to stop giving a crap about my bad English grammar. If you are kind enough to help me out with my writing, I’d appreciate it. If you’re gonna be a jerk about my writing, you know where the door is. Words don’t make sense to me, and I often omit, add, or edit words in my head as I read/write, without noticing it lol.
• I am going to quit worrying if I’m going to have food next month. If it happens, we’ll worry about it then.
• I am going to quit worrying if I’m going to becoming homeless next month, it could happen.
• I am going to quit being worried about what my body can take. I will push until I can’t. I have a chronic pain disorder, so this battle is a complicated one. Me worrying will not help the matter.
• I will quit double guessing myself. If something goes wrong, it goes wrong.
• I will quit freaking out every time my computer has a hickup. If it dies…I’ll have to make art with pots and pans and finger paints? Digital is my world, I don’t know where I would be without it <— that there. There is that thing again.
So what does this mean? Well… it could mean anything. I’m going to make the art that I feel like making. I’m not a seasoned art firm with a hundred experienced artists, pushing out content like a friggin machine. I’m me. I am learning as I go, just like anyone else, but I like to display my progress. Maybe I’ll help someone in the process.
My art may become weird, or not. My music may become weird, or not. Today I could be creating an illustration of a flower, and tomorrow I could be modeling a dragon in 3D. I have no idea what I’m doing, just like anyone else starting a new thing.
I may start writing more. I like to think out loud, but since it hurts for me to talk, I’ll try this writing thing. Talking out loud, or in this case writing, helps me get thoughts and ideas out. Often I’ll have this great idea, but I forget about it if I don’t write it down.
Why publish this stuff? Well, it’s nice to get other people’s opinions and feedback.
Is it dumb for me to post something like this online? Probably not. I’m pretty sure others have had similar talks with themselves.
Question: Have you had a similar talk with yourself? How’d it go? How’s your progress? Let me know, down in the comments.